Hey y'all. I hope that you are having a great day where ever you are reading this. We all battle through many things every day. By this title, happiness is something that I have struggled with for a very long time. From happiness in my home to happiness in my relationships, it has been a struggle. I have battled through many things to find the place that I am happy in now. I will forever struggle with anxiety and other issues but today, I have found a balance and calm.
Ever since I was in middle school like many people I struggled with self-esteem and other school pressures. But what I kept behind closed doors is what was eating me alive. I thought by keeping my struggles in I would be okay. I was a good student because I was dealing with my parents at home. What I am sharing is something that I don't really tell but it is something maybe someone else will understand and know that they are not alone. I still struggle but I am happy with things and I know that my life will get better from here.
My parents are addicts. My mother loves her booze and my father loves cocaine. When I was a freshman in high school, things started to spiral out of control for me. My mom went out for a night with her friends and came home with cops following her home. Little did I know at the time, there were cops from three different towns that tried to pull her over. This all happened the Friday before my first final and I was studying. Living on a highway, I am used to the lights but never have they been at my house for a long period of time. My brother and I watched my mother get arrested and my father get angry because my mother wasn't thinking. I wasn't shocked but why would she do that? WHY!!! My brother and I depended on her to take us places because she was the closest one to school if we needed a ride. That went out the window. That night, we went through a lot of different emotions. The next morning, my dad went to get my mom out of jail and we were all mad, sad, frustrated, and whatever else you could think.
Over time my mom's drinking got worse and she would punch holes in the walls and get so drunk that she would pass out at any point. Her memory is bad and she repeats many things. I remember one night she was so drunk that she thought the kitchen was the bathroom. Her drinking was to a point that I had a breakdown at school. The state was involved three times and she was sent to an outpatient program. Though the program never really helped, she drinking has calmed down to a point, but it still bothers many people.
I know that my parents' have been doing these things since they were younger than me. Now on to my father. Growing up, my dad was always home, but growing up in the Legion, my dad was gone for days at a time. But as I got older, the days weren't for the Legion anymore. My dad can spend soo much money on the white stuff it is crazy. There goes rent money or money to pay the pills.
Having to deal with my parents from a young age has made me more responsible for someone who is 23. I have been a "parent" so for long that I don't know what it is like to be a twenty-something year old. Thankfully I have a great man in my life that cares about me and know that I have been through enough that I don't like to share it much. He makes me forget about the pain and makes me smile and very happy.
I have dealt with my depression and anxieties for years and I know that it will never go away. My message to anyone that is going through something terrible is to find a way to release everything and be yourself. I had many family members and friends that helped me over the years. But, if you need professional help please go see a counselor or a doctor ASAP to help you move on.
I know that this post was something out of the ordinary but it is something that I have harbored and finally ready to share with y'all. I hope you understand that these are memories from my childhood through now and that this is my life and no one elses. Thank you and have a good day.
Shannon
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