Today is the last day of 2014 and once again, I can't sleep.. Maybe because I have too much on my mind. Thinking about how things have gone over the past year and how lonely my life is. That is probably mostly my doing and now I hate it. I am so wrapped up in my little cocoon of solitude and comfort because that is all I know. I have come across people that make me happy and those that have brought me down to a level that was hard to travel back to the happy place. I have gone through so many family tragedies and issue at home that the life I want is hindered. Playing a mom since you were so young is never fun and for those who understand, you know what I mean. It is hard for me to have relationships with people since I have such a wall built that is so strong so the true me wont shine through.
The saying is that "friends come and go but family is forever" and I believe that to be true to a degree. I have been the girl that had so many friends in her corner to a few that come and go from my corner. And I can't really go to my family because most of them don't know what I am going through. For me to open up about what is going on is hard. I just want to pick up and live in a small town like Stars Hollow and start over. Instead of having a baby, I am running away from my history to create a new future. For those that don't get that reference, you have not watch one of the greatest shows EVER in my opinion. I know that I would be a better person to break the wall down and let people in but it will take time. Whether or not I have friends or family in my corner, I know that I will be alone and never have the support from my parents to better myself. I like to think that I would rather live in a time where people helped everyone an supported each other in any way that they could. For me, I would ideally want to live in Europe; Ireland or Great Britain.
I have dreamed that I would have been living on my own and be independent from my parents, be in college, and have a good job to support myself. I would have great friends to hang out with and support me. A boyfriend to help me through the low points to help pick me up when I am down. But, I know that is a lot to ask for, especially for a twenty year old, going on twenty one in February. But, I am too mature to be twenty one. I never was kid. I never went through the things every kid or teenager does. I was always home making sure that nothing bad was going to happen. I never sneaked out of my house with friends, sneaked in to a club, lied about my age, never really got into the typical teenage issues.
My "best friends" we'll say have been saying for me to try things that I would not want to do. Of course some cost money and I can not afford that at all. This is one broke girl right here. So I work the state assistance I get and take what I can. The pressure to start smoking weed is around me all the time. All of my friends do, so why should I? They all are saying it will help with the depression. But I want to be drug free and be happy. Is that too hard to ask for?
To all of you, I might be ranting but for me, this is a way to vent and get things off of my chest. I do go to therapy and that will take time. If I can work my way off of meds and have a clear mind and not be depressed so much, that will be the greatest thing. My goal of this blog is to share my journey and hopefully touch someone globally. Whether you are from America or Russia, I want to help someone or teach something new. I may know make-up and history, but this depression is new and I am battling it everyday.
And today is New Year's Eve and I have nothing planned. I might sleep through it this year and be the sad little girl that I am or go out like I wanted to, but I know that was never really going to happen. I might just sit in my room, which is the only place I really am to tell the truth, and cry and wish I was somewhere other than Roxbury, NJ!!! My dream place of Dublin. The place where I would love to be. The center of my Irish heritage. Close to Scotland where I can find my family castle. Go to Germany and work on my German; also to eat good food. Travel Europe and see what beyond the Atlantic Ocean.
I am a small town girl that wants to see the world and find new things. Depression is killing me slowly and I am not the hugest fan of this. Time heals all wounds but I know that my wounds will take a long time heal and break. Only time will tell what will happen.
Keep an eye out for these #DepressionChats that I might do every week and have a nice chat with y'all.
See y'all in the New Year and hope 2015 is a good year for all!
Shannon :/
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