Wednesday Night

I know this is a late night post and my first in about a year almost. But many things are going through my head and I am going to explode and I need to do something.

I know that "the man upstairs" has a plan for everyone. But we all won't know ours until later in life.

Everyone have hurdles and jumps and handles it differently. 

How come it still hurts to get up?

I am a young woman that is going to be twenty years old and still has pain from 

over 10 years ago and still going strong about it.

Pressures from work and to find a new one,

trying to find a good insurance plan,

looking for health insurance,

and trying to get over people that you truly care about;

how can you make it all just wash away?

Just pick up and go away?

Forget is all ever happened and live with the guilt?

Live with the agony that will get you in a dark place?

I have the experience of being in that dark place,

and it is no fun to be in.

I have been stuck in this rut for years and 

it has become my home and I haven't left it.

I am the cool collected person in the corner

when I just wanna cry and have someone

in my corner to be there.

I had that and now I don't.

Will I ever have that feeling again?

There is this old Irish tradition of the Claddagh ring,

I wear mine with the heart facing out, meaning that no one has my heart.

But if someone has my heart, I will have the heart facing my body.

And I currently wear my ring on my right ring finger.

You can also use it as an engagement/wedding ring too.

I used to wear my ring like i was in a relationship because I was;

I was in one with myself.

And I would love to get back to that place.

I wish that I could find a better paying job 

in a place where I can start fresh.

Germany? Greece? Ireland? UK? Sweden? Denmark? Australia?

All of those place make me happy and want to leave

everyone that I care about to start with a clean slate.

But I would bring a select few if they want to.

And a few people can come visit me.

I would miss all of  my cousins and I am

going to regret this but my baby brother.

I would miss my sister and her two little boys that I love very much.

My Aunt Wandalee for being there when I need her.

My Uncle Michael for always letting me crash

and to relax with the family; I still feel bad from time to time.

I have always been the Dr. Phil for my friends and I

have no Dr. Phil so I can vent and feel better.

Ashley, Tiara, Clare, and Veronika were there but I

need to just vent and let it all out.

I just wanna claw out of the coffin I am in,

like in "The Raven" when Emily is buried alive.

Poe's writing makes me feel better and all of the

depressing rock song make me cry and feel even better.

I want it all to go away.

I don't want to deal with my life anymore.

But, I know that I have to stay and deal with it;

and this is my way of venting.

Venting to strangers and just to write

clears my head.

I will have more coming but here is an old German proverb:

"Geld macht nicht glücklich."

Gute Nacht